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Think of the telltale signs you leave for strangers that give them clues about who you are.

The maid in your hotel room knows your gender, likely if you are traveling for business or pleasure, whether you are neat or sloppy, and what you like to read. You could create quite a profile from such information.

The person who looks into your car can tell from your car seats how many young children you have, whether you are tidy or a pack rat, or maybe even your political affiliation and alma mater from the stickers on your back window.

Someone who sees you in a restaurant can learn about you by how you order (do you take a long time to decide or ask for substitutions), what you order (are you health conscious or not so much), and how you leave your space when you depart (plates stacked or strewn).

All around you, people are seeing the clues you leave and forming impressions of you, even if you never met face to face. Don’t think you are ever invisible!

Originally published in modified form on August 13, 2015

A friend asked for my advice as her daughter begins the college search process. Maybe this advice can help you or someone you know as you embark on this milestone.

This is what I recommend:

1. Visit campus when school is in session and do an individual visit at anyplace that you are serious about. Visit programs are fine to get an overview, but I would visit 1:1 with the schools on the short list.
2. While there, watch how staff interact with each other and with faculty/students. Do they call students by name when passing in the hall? Greet each other? Treat faculty and staff the same? I think you can tell a lot about the climate from informal interactions. Is it a “we” place or a “they” place — you want to go somewhere where the staff genuinely likes each other because they will work together better and be more likely to resolve problems for your student.
3. Don’t pick a school based on a major, faculty member, or coach. Yes, the institution should have the major that the student thinks they want initially, but chances are they will change majors, and/or the individual person could leave. I used to tell students that they were looking for a fit in three areas: academically, socially (all out-of-classroom, including athletics, involvement, the city, etc.), and financially. Consider it as a whole. The place with great academics may not be the best choice overall.
4. See your final financial aid package before deciding. The “too expensive” school may become affordable, and the lesser-cost one may actually require more personal investment. Know the numbers before you choose.
5. Ask about freshmen retention: what are the numbers, what are the reasons students leave, and what are they doing to help students stay? It will also tell you a lot about the climate and whether there is a culture of students-are-on-their-own or whether the institution invests resources toward student success.

The college search is a great paradox where, on one hand, it influences so much, but on the other hand, there are a few wrong choices. I believe much of college is what a student makes of it. The same student can have a great experience and learn a lot almost anywhere if they put their mind to it. So don’t stress too much about it — go where the fit in the three dimensions feels best and enjoy!

Originally published in modified form on January 19, 2018

It is amazing how quickly we can become accustomed to something. Sleeping in a different bed for a week over the holidays made my own bed feel different when I returned to it. A few days of driving a rental car became the norm instead of the vehicle that I have driven for 40,000 miles. The temperature in my brother’s home that initially felt warm, suddenly made my house feel chilly even though my thermostat did not change.

The mind is a mental chameleon. In the span of less than a week, and without any intentional effort on my part, my psyche adapted to the environment around it and accepted it all like the new reality.

If our minds are so malleable, how can you find a way to use this trait to your advantage? The first morning the alarm goes off an hour earlier will be painful, but after a few days of adjustment, you’ll be in a routine of having that extra time for reading or exercise. You may miss the first automatic withdrawal into your savings account, but soon your new net pay will seem to be the standard. You may feel hungry when you first reduce your portions and eat from a smaller plate, but before long, restaurant-sized portions will feel excessive.

You become used to what you are used to – for good or bad. Endure a brief period of sacrifice to make your surroundings work for you, and soon you won’t even realize you gave anything up to achieve those benefits.

Originally published on January 3, 2019

A colleague’s young son had to describe the process of how to do something. According to Leo, here is how to sled:

1. We go to the hill to sled.
2. Then we go home.
3. Then you go in sid your howse.

I think that adults follow a similar pattern too often:

1. I went to the conference. 2. Then I went home. 3. Then I went back to work as if nothing was learned and nothing changed as a result of the training.

Or

1. I went to church. 2. Then I went home. 3. Then I went about my business and didn’t think about God or faith or religion again until next Sunday.

Or

1. I went to a meeting. 2. Then I went back to my desk. 3. Then I did nothing to follow up or advance the agenda until it was time to cram for the next meeting.

And so on.

Don’t just go to the hill and then go home. What you do in between is where all the opportunity lies.

Thanks, Katie!

Originally published in modified form on January 16, 2019