One of the most useful phrases I know is “help me understand…” It is a sincere way to initiate a conversation when you may not agree with the person or premise before you, or when you want to learn another perspective. Examples:
“Help me understand why you think this is a good idea.”
“Help me understand what you are trying to accomplish with your proposal.”
“Help me understand what the best way is to support you right now.”
“Help me understand how I have upset you.”
“Help me understand what attributes you value in this candidate.”
“Help me understand your preferred learning style so I can onboard you most effectively.”
“Help me understand why you think you missed your goal.”
“Help me understand why you made the decision you did.”
“Help me understand your reaction to the meeting.”
“Help me understand where you would most like to be involved.”
I teach that a key component of a difficult or important conversation is your opening line. It sets the tone for what follows, and the “help me understand” phrasing tends to avoid defensiveness and starts the exchange off on a learning note. Give it a try and see if it can’t jumpstart a productive dialogue for you.
