In his fascinating new book, The Power of Regret, Dan Pink explores the unexamined emotion that leads us to feel angst about what could have been. He writes that we look back on regrets with two different perspectives: the outcome could have been worse (leading us to say “at least…”) or the outcome could have been better (causing us to think “if only…”).
For example, if you lose your wallet you may say: “At least I didn’t have much cash in it.” You regret the bad outcome but focus on the fact that could have been worse. “At leasts” make us feel better about the situation.
On the other hand, if you lose your wallet you may say: “If only I wasn’t distracted after I paid the bill.” You focus on the idea that you could have had a better outcome. “If onlys” make us feel bad — but the research shows that 80% of our regrets fall into this category. We’re hard on ourselves!
Pink’s book explores how our regrets actually serve us well going forward. They decrease the likelihood that we behave the same way in the future, and, if we pay attention to what we regret, it helps us realize what is important to us. (If we didn’t value the outcome, we wouldn’t regret not achieving it.) We’re also a lot more likely to regret not doing something, rather than doing it. So, for me, acknowledging my regret of not seeing Michael Jordan in person has motivated me to pay the money and make the effort to see performances live since then.
Don’t regret ignoring what causes you to say “if only” or “at least”. As Pink argues, there is great power in learning from what comes next in those statements.
The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward by Daniel H. Pink, 2022
